Out of the Darkest of Nights
by Looney Loopy Lupin
Summary: Moments of intense thought in the aftermath of the Apprentice era from the view of a broken Boy Wonder.
1. Eyes Wide Shut

Greetings!

Ah yes, another story playing at Robin's ever-so interesting psyche. What can I say... I'm obsessed!

Oh, ahem. Yes, preparatory notes:

Before his first encounter with Slade, Robin had already had to grow up considerably fast for a bright-eyed, 15 year-old boy. How does he cope with losing the last, measly scraps of his boyish innocence after serving as Slade's apprentice?

The answer is... delving into the (many) thoughts of our beloved Boy Wonder... thus, a story.

Each chapter is generally brief, but focuses on whatever the word or phrase of the chapter may be.

Yes, it's rated T... just to be on the safe side.

Enjoy!

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**Eyes Wide Shut**_  
_

_"There is so much sound in silence."_

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My eyes were closed.

For a moment, I absorbed and relished in the silence that surrounded me in the car.

The silence was calming. It felt like peace.

So much had just happened.

I had been ready to give up everything I knew to _him. _

I was so petrified of him slowly, painfully destroying my friends... my teammates... my family...

In the back of my mind, I had a horrible feeling that the destroying wouldn't stop with only the Titans. I knew that he more than likely had plans for my other family in Gotham as well.

Thus, I had finally agreed to do everything he required of me. Of calling him _master... _only so that he would let them live.

I had lost so much already... I couldn't lose them, too.

My heart leaped, my eyes watered when they broke into the haunt. There was so much love, so much loyalty etched into each and every one of their faces.

They were so determined to not leave without me. So determined to make it so that I was not alone in this battle.

They ignited the spark of resilience and rebellion I had relinquished literally seconds before.

My eyes still closed, still enjoying the quiet, a small smile came to my lips.

We destroyed him. Beat him. Hard. Completely.

I had never felt so much pride and appreciation for my team. My friends. My family.

I had grudgingly assumed that after the night I faced them on top of the Wayne Enterprises building, they would abandon me...

Not that I didn't deserve it.

Despite that I had lost all faith in myself, they never lost faith in me as their leader and their friend.

My eyes were closed.

Yet, as we were making our way back to the Tower, there was an intense stillness between us. A disconnection.

The silence was not longer peaceful. It was uncomfortable, tense.

Guilt was taking a stranglehold on my brief flickers of happiness.

I had tried to destroy them.

Even though I apologized, even though they knew I couldn't risk him pressing the "Kill" button by disobeying...

I had tried to destroy them.

I betrayed their trust, their friendship.

I took every doubt and weakness they had and turned it against them.

Would they ever forgive me?

Would I ever forgive myself?

My eyes fluttered open.

The car had stopped moving.

We were parked in the sublevel of the Tower.

For a moment, I didn't move.

During the apprenticeship, there were several moments when I had been convinced I would never see this place again. I had never noticed how spotless Cyborg kept this place... the impressive size and power of the T-sub... my R-cycle...

No on spoke as they exited the vehicle.

The silence brought me out of my nostalgia and back to reality.

I slowly scooted my way out of the car.

I couldn't control the shame that was splashed across my face.

As I kept my eyes glued to the ground, I followed my teammates into our home.

As we made our way upstairs, I could feel my heart sinking further.

Through their silence and Beast Boy's lingering eyes on my black & orange armored uniform, I could hear them saying "He can't be trusted."

When we arrived in the common room, each slowly went off to their own, everyday tasks: Turning on the TV, grabbing a soda from the fridge, making tea, looking through the cabinets in hopes of finding something to cook...

Judging from their actions, it was as if the apprenticeship had never happened.

I felt like I was going to be sick. My mind was screaming, the silence booming in my ears.

"Guys..." I finally croaked, fighting the sobs beginning to erupt.

It was amazing how they immediately gave me their full attention.

I closed my eyes, searching for words. "I... I'm so sorr-"

"I got the bathtub in your bathroom working again." Cyborg suddenly said.

I let out a shaky breath, frowning at the abrupt change in subject. I hesitantly looked up at him.

His human eye was filled with warmth... and pity. "You should go try it out." He said softly.

Despite myself, I smiled slightly.

He smiled back.

"Thanks... that's probably a good idea." I said, feeling light... and rather filthy.

I remembered that I hadn't showered in well over three days.

The silence in the car suddenly made sense...

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_Author's Note:_

I had intended for this chapter to be dark, depressing, Robin-esque angst. The twist is chuckle-worthy, yes? :)

Yes, the title of this "moment": _Eyes Wide Shut_. I've never seen the movie, but I know of it and the "very-R-ness" of it. I just liked the title is all.

Please review!


	2. Mirrors

Mirrors are always a source of reflection of both the physical qualities and the "non-physical" qualities of the self. Based on our choices, actions, emotions, etc., those qualities are often manifested in our reflections.

You can probably imagine that Robin reflects extremely critically on himself and his choices. For him, mirrors are often not very forgiving...

Enjoy!

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**Mirrors**

"_In our reflections, we always see our worst selves.  
Our most vulnerable selves.  
We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we're wrong."_

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I flicked on the lights in my bathroom, slowly went to the bathtub, and turned on the faucet.

I fiddled with the taps far longer than necessary, ensuring that the water was exactly the perfect temperature.

I dreaded turning around towards the mirror.

Ever since I was young, mirrors were often a source of dissatisfaction, anger, and repulsion.

It was never easy for me to look into mirrors even when I hadn't just been stripped of my dignity and self respect...

Sighing, I surrendered and forced my eyes open to face my reflection.

My face was pale. Mortified. Deadened.

The bright, overhead light and the whiteness of the bathroom tiles made my skin look even more sallow and ghostly.

I could feel the sleek, armored uniform sticking to my clammy skin.

During the apprenticeship, I never had a chance to see what I looked like in the uniform Slade forced me to wear...

I stared at the two-toned spandex covering my chest. The black and orange fabric mirrored his mask completely. Where the 'S' emblem had been even mirrored where his one visible eye was on his mask.

I surveyed all the wounds I had acquired during the apprenticeship: an alarmingly swollen wrist, a nasty looking cut on my cheek, a few dark, purple bruises on my neck... I was afraid of how many bruises and contusions covered the rest of my body under the uniform.

My hair was a mess; it was greasy and matted in areas where blood had dried on my scalp.

I had known for a while that I had a very handsome face with striking features, not unlike my father's. Many girls around my age gave me approving looks and flirted with me every so often.

But, my once handsome features were marred and distorted, as though seen through a dirty lens. The skin around my cheekbones was drawn and pale, and dark circles surrounded my sunken eyes.

Though I had only been with Slade for a few days, my face looked as though it had aged a few years.

I closed my eyes, dreading the final task.

With trembling hands, I carefully and slowly peeled off the pointed, cloth mask that was glued to my skin.

Painfully, I opened my eyes.

They were the worst of all. They were bloodshot, and my pupils were so dilated that the usually bright blue irises were almost completely black.

As I stared into my eyes in the mirror, I could literally see every second of the terror, anger, sadness, and humiliation I felt during the apprenticeship.

I blinked, and suddenly, Slade was standing next to me. He placed a hand on my shoulder, his one visible eye twinkling with delight.

"...are those your _mother's _eyes... Dick?" He breathed.

My eyes widened. I didn't speak, my chest heaving with terror.

"They are, aren't they." He laughed.

With a sudden, violent shriek, I slammed both fists into the mirror.

It shattered brilliantly, and shards of glass flew everywhere.

I wheeled around, ready to beat the man to a pulp.

But, no one was there.

Horrified recognition fell over me like icy water.

As the room began to spin, I sank to my knees, my bloody, mangled hands covering my eyes.

I was able crawl over to the toilet just as my stomach heaved its few contents into reverse.

Shaking and sobbing, I carefully began to pick up the jagged shards of glass from the floor.

I retrieved an empty box in my room and dumped the blood-covered glass into it.

I found a place at the back of my closet for the box, praying my teammates would never find it.

I took a deep breath and went back to the bathroom.

I removed the armored plates that covered my arms and legs, and finally took off the spandex uniform.

In just my boxers, I grimly found that the wounds I had acquired beneath the uniform were worse than I had anticipated. In the back of my mind, I hoped I would remember to sanitize and dress them properly.

I slowly went over to the bathtub, pulling the handle up to make the shower head roar to life.

After slipping out of my boxers, the hot water raining on my skin soothed my clammy, aching body.

I clenched my eyes shut, wishing the shower could wash away the memories, filth, and sickness I felt as a traitor.

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_Author's Note:_

Yeah, I got back into the darker stuff with this chapter... Oh well. :)

Please review!


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